The Soapboxx
Friday, November 17, 2006
Sure, Do It For The Children, But What About My Needs?
I can't believe it's a full twelve months since the last one, but Children In Need is back on our TV screens tonight. And I, for one, am not happy.
Now, don't get me wrong; the general idea behind Children In Need is a fantastic one. Since it began in 1980, a total of some £410m has been raised. Last year's event earned £17,235,256 alone. That's impressive stuff.
However, I have a complaint. Yes, I support the cause, but why does it have to be packaged with such dreadful television programming? While I'm happy to chip in a quid or two, do they have to do everything at my expense?
Yes, I'm whining on about the telly again. But look: it wouldn't be so bad if they screened the thing on a Wednesday, because as we've seen, it would indubitably be a notable step-up in quality. But they have to do it on a Friday, don't they, which makes no sense at all. One, because all the drunks who are most likely to be conned... sorry... convinced into getting out their wallets will be down the pub. And two, because it ruins the only really good TV night of the week.
I know, I know. I'm an old, miserable curmudgeon and nauseatingly set in my ways, but that's what happens when you finally reach thirty-five. If you stop and think about it for more than twelve seconds, you'll conclude, as I have, that life is all about spotting the patterns in things. The mathematics is all around you, dictating each and everything we all do. Honest.
And then when you reach my tender years, your own pattern becomes a critical part of your life. It's horribly spoilt, I know, but I'm used to, and actually like watching the shows I expect to watch when I want to watch them. It's like a modern take on Asperger's for those unfortunate to find themselves on the arse-end of the 18-35 demographic. Which, of course, is the only one that really matters. I'm running out of time, Goddammit. By the time Pudsey returns next year, I'll be too stupid to operate the remote control.
Normally on a Friday I can look forward to Have I Got News For You, QI and Friday Night With Jonathan Ross. These are, more often than not, the highlights of my television viewing experience. Not my life, of course, as that would be utterly pathetic, but when you've had the kind of week that I've always had, you need to chill out a bit. You need to unwind. You wouldn't believe how angry I get when I'm denied an opportunity to relax.
But these aren't good enough for Children In Need. No, Pudsey likes to usurp the quality entertainment and replace it with something he's found on his shoe. And this happens each year, without fail.
You think I'm kidding? Here are some of this evening's highlights: songs by McFly; the cast of Hollyoaks meets the cast of Celebrity Scissorhands, no doubt with hilarious results; Westlife sing, as does Coronation Street 'heartthrob' Richard Fleeshman; the new voice of the speaking clock is unveiled (Jesus, why did nobody warn us!?); more songs, this time from The Sound of Music; then the cast of Holby City sing Madonna's Hung Up; yet more singing, from Ronan Keating; and then - prepare yourselves - a chance to to hear Emma Bunton's Downtown, the official Children In Need song (I've heard it: it's rubbish) and another song by Keane; the BBC newsreaders pay tribute to James Bond (that's got to be good, surely); the cast of Bad Girls perform a Bananarama 'classic'; two comedians you've never heard of will spoof Wham!; there's a sneak peak at Wicked, the West End musical; Bradley Walsh does some swing, Amy Winehouse sings yet another song and then the cast of Evita show up to do something or other; finally - and this is nearly five hours later - the casts of Daddy Cool and Avenue Q (never heard of either, but big West End shows allegedly) round off proceedings with, I'm guessing, some songs.
Now, correct me if I'm wrong here, but doesn't that all add up to a monstrous steaming pile of shit?
First of all, how many bloody songs does one event need? Did somebody at the BBC think: "Hold on, we need some quality entertainment. Does anyone have any ideas? No? OK, let's get every Z-list celebrity we can think of to come in and, I don't know, sing or something." To be fair, he probably walked away from the meeting expecting a smörgåsbord of creation, while his team of yes-men completely ignored the 'something' part of his idea but enthusiastically made love to the 'sing'. Even Pudsey will be watching ITV. Or possibly Five if he's feeling a bit racy.
Playing fair, there is an episode of QI on tonight, and it is a Children In Need special. The only problem is that I've already seen it, last week, on BBC4's week-ahead preview.
Basically all this means that I've got nothing at all to watch tonight, so there's no point getting angry if I'm forced on to the Internet to download torrent files or Hungarian pornography. It's hardly my fault. Blame the kids.
Now, don't get me wrong; the general idea behind Children In Need is a fantastic one. Since it began in 1980, a total of some £410m has been raised. Last year's event earned £17,235,256 alone. That's impressive stuff.
However, I have a complaint. Yes, I support the cause, but why does it have to be packaged with such dreadful television programming? While I'm happy to chip in a quid or two, do they have to do everything at my expense?
Yes, I'm whining on about the telly again. But look: it wouldn't be so bad if they screened the thing on a Wednesday, because as we've seen, it would indubitably be a notable step-up in quality. But they have to do it on a Friday, don't they, which makes no sense at all. One, because all the drunks who are most likely to be conned... sorry... convinced into getting out their wallets will be down the pub. And two, because it ruins the only really good TV night of the week.
I know, I know. I'm an old, miserable curmudgeon and nauseatingly set in my ways, but that's what happens when you finally reach thirty-five. If you stop and think about it for more than twelve seconds, you'll conclude, as I have, that life is all about spotting the patterns in things. The mathematics is all around you, dictating each and everything we all do. Honest.
And then when you reach my tender years, your own pattern becomes a critical part of your life. It's horribly spoilt, I know, but I'm used to, and actually like watching the shows I expect to watch when I want to watch them. It's like a modern take on Asperger's for those unfortunate to find themselves on the arse-end of the 18-35 demographic. Which, of course, is the only one that really matters. I'm running out of time, Goddammit. By the time Pudsey returns next year, I'll be too stupid to operate the remote control.
Normally on a Friday I can look forward to Have I Got News For You, QI and Friday Night With Jonathan Ross. These are, more often than not, the highlights of my television viewing experience. Not my life, of course, as that would be utterly pathetic, but when you've had the kind of week that I've always had, you need to chill out a bit. You need to unwind. You wouldn't believe how angry I get when I'm denied an opportunity to relax.
But these aren't good enough for Children In Need. No, Pudsey likes to usurp the quality entertainment and replace it with something he's found on his shoe. And this happens each year, without fail.
You think I'm kidding? Here are some of this evening's highlights: songs by McFly; the cast of Hollyoaks meets the cast of Celebrity Scissorhands, no doubt with hilarious results; Westlife sing, as does Coronation Street 'heartthrob' Richard Fleeshman; the new voice of the speaking clock is unveiled (Jesus, why did nobody warn us!?); more songs, this time from The Sound of Music; then the cast of Holby City sing Madonna's Hung Up; yet more singing, from Ronan Keating; and then - prepare yourselves - a chance to to hear Emma Bunton's Downtown, the official Children In Need song (I've heard it: it's rubbish) and another song by Keane; the BBC newsreaders pay tribute to James Bond (that's got to be good, surely); the cast of Bad Girls perform a Bananarama 'classic'; two comedians you've never heard of will spoof Wham!; there's a sneak peak at Wicked, the West End musical; Bradley Walsh does some swing, Amy Winehouse sings yet another song and then the cast of Evita show up to do something or other; finally - and this is nearly five hours later - the casts of Daddy Cool and Avenue Q (never heard of either, but big West End shows allegedly) round off proceedings with, I'm guessing, some songs.
Now, correct me if I'm wrong here, but doesn't that all add up to a monstrous steaming pile of shit?
First of all, how many bloody songs does one event need? Did somebody at the BBC think: "Hold on, we need some quality entertainment. Does anyone have any ideas? No? OK, let's get every Z-list celebrity we can think of to come in and, I don't know, sing or something." To be fair, he probably walked away from the meeting expecting a smörgåsbord of creation, while his team of yes-men completely ignored the 'something' part of his idea but enthusiastically made love to the 'sing'. Even Pudsey will be watching ITV. Or possibly Five if he's feeling a bit racy.
Playing fair, there is an episode of QI on tonight, and it is a Children In Need special. The only problem is that I've already seen it, last week, on BBC4's week-ahead preview.
Basically all this means that I've got nothing at all to watch tonight, so there's no point getting angry if I'm forced on to the Internet to download torrent files or Hungarian pornography. It's hardly my fault. Blame the kids.
Comments:
Sur-weet. Do you take cheques from a bank account I closed over a decade ago? I'm gonna order big...!
The only two current shows I would say I'd actually make some effort to watch - Simon Schama's The Power of Art and Later... - were both on last night, but what did I do? I fell asleep before 9pm and saw not a minute of either of them.
The thing is, I know I can watch both of them online at some point this week, while the Schama series also arrives on DVD before the month is out.
Television is just too much of an inconvenience these days. You have to meet the whims of the schedulers with your own, and I find more and more that the two just aren't compatible. Torrents, DVDs etc are far more manageable; you can watch them anytime at your leisure and pleasure while also finding that geeky joy gained from collecting and hoarding things.
To the pharmacy bods above: how easy would it be for you to supply me with valium?
The thing is, I know I can watch both of them online at some point this week, while the Schama series also arrives on DVD before the month is out.
Television is just too much of an inconvenience these days. You have to meet the whims of the schedulers with your own, and I find more and more that the two just aren't compatible. Torrents, DVDs etc are far more manageable; you can watch them anytime at your leisure and pleasure while also finding that geeky joy gained from collecting and hoarding things.
To the pharmacy bods above: how easy would it be for you to supply me with valium?
# posted by 
: 6:07 AM
: 6:07 AM
What about Planet Earth and QI Jim, surely they have to feature somewhere?
Children in need is pretty dire it has to be said and the way they try and make crossover TV can be pretty cringeworthy, it has to be said, but I guess that they know what they're doing in order to get the maxium amount of money.
I must admit to channel surfing when it was on and being embarassed to see some of the shambles that they were passing off as for charity.
Still, it's for a good cause and all that :)
Children in need is pretty dire it has to be said and the way they try and make crossover TV can be pretty cringeworthy, it has to be said, but I guess that they know what they're doing in order to get the maxium amount of money.
I must admit to channel surfing when it was on and being embarassed to see some of the shambles that they were passing off as for charity.
Still, it's for a good cause and all that :)
# posted by : 5:05 PM
: 5:05 PMRecent Posts
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