The Soapboxx
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
The Curse Of [M]arriage [T]ele[V]ision
So, Britney Spears and her husband, Kevin Federline, or 'K-Fed', as ghastly people insist on calling him, have filed for divorce, and have once again blamed that most hideous of marital crimes, "irreconcilable differences."
So, no real surprise there, then.
But, come on, let's be fair. They have been married for over two years, which in the world of modern celebrity is pretty good going. If one dog year is equal to seven human years, than a year of celebrity marriage must be equal to at least ten of Mr and Mrs Joe Average's. Britney's previous marriage only lasted 55 hours, remember, which when you do the math works out about as long as the national average.
The thing is, they had absolutely no chance of this ever working out because they made a fatal error right from the very beginning - they agreed to do a reality TV show.
No, I didn't see much of it either, but it's true. Entitled Kevin and Britney: Chaotic, the show consisted mainly of home video footage with was overdubbed with engaging commentary by the couple (who'd been hitched for about eight months when production began.) It only lasted for five episodes, which means that if one episode of rubbish television equates to two seasons of quality, it was as successful as Seinfeld.
This isn't a new phenomena. It's been going on for quite some time now, and as with most of the important things in life, the blame can be laid pretty firmly on the doorsteps of MTV. First, we had Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson in Newlyweds. This is the big one; the linchpin. The Watergate. Simpson and Lachey were married in October 2002, the show was greenlit in August 2003, and by December 2005 they were fighting over who gets to keep the Roy Rogers wagon wheel in the courts.
Next up were Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro. She, of former Baywatch (and 12-minute marriage to Dennis Rodman) fame, and he, ex-Jane's Addiction guitarist and, according to one of my very heterosexual male friends, 'the sexiest beardie alive'. It didn't really matter. The couple were wed in November of 2003, doing Til Death Us Do Part: Carmen and Dave (on MTV) the following year and, lo and behold, separated in July of this year and were divorced a month later.
Travis Barker, ex-Blink 182 drummer and Shanna Moakler, ex-wife of Oscar de la Hoya, married in October 2004, signed on to MTV for Meet The Barkers in 2005 and, incredibly, packed in two seasons and a divorce by August 2006.
Even David Gest and Liza Minnelli weren't unnatural enough to stand up to the curse; their marriage lasted just 16 months, even though their reality show, Lisa & David, was axed before it was ever aired.
No celebrity couple seems to realise it, but when you agree to do a reality TV show about your fantastic life what you're basically signing on for is a divorce within one to three years (usually depending on how successful the series is.) The trick is: is this calculated in advance, and if so, who exactly is duping whom?
There's one pretty consistent theme that runs through all of these stories and that's the desire for fame. By agreeing to do a show of this kind, you're automatically boosting your profile as a couple. Moreover, in pretty much every case here, one member of the couple is far more famous (and, indeed, lucrative) than the other around the start of the relationship. Interestingly (in a trite celebrity sense), by the end of the show, they've either become fairly equitable in their celebrity standing or have even swapped places.
Again, and for reference, we return to the benchmark in all this - when Newlyweds began in 2002, Lachey, ex-member of we've never heard of them over here, but they were massive over there boyband 98 Degrees, was the draw. As the show's popularity peaked, it was the lovely Jessica who became both the centre of attention and the star, equally for as much as what she said as how she looked. The epitome of the dumb blonde, she became incredibly popular, and despite the much-heralded Christian values she claimed to possess, her low-cut tops and desire to shoot pop videos under waterfalls certainly did not hurt at all. As her own father later tellingly observed, 'those suckers are double-Ds.'
And that scenario is pretty constant. Who'd even heard of David Gest before he met Liza Minnelli? Shanna Moakler was a total unknown before Meet The Barkers. Now she's 'wowing' them in the US version of Strictly Come Dancing and beating up Paris Hilton. And Federline? He's gone from backing dancer to self-proclaimed rap superstar to WWE professional wrestler. It's a farce, sure, but the boy done good, certainly relative to what he had before.
The dismal record of celebrity marriage is nothing new, of course, and certainly isn't limited to those who have appeared together on TV. If you take a moment to consider all the celebrity marriages you know of that are considered a success (where both couples are or were famous going into the relationship), you'll probably come up with two. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell are not married, and neither are Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas? Sure, but nobody is comfortable with that. So that leaves Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, and the Osbournes, who despite fronting a major reality TV show and having been married since 1982, have slightly bigger fish to fry. When your husband has tried to kill you and pissed up the Alamo, it tends to put things into perspective. MTV was a walk in the park.
Jordan and Peter Andre? Well, they met on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!, and have gone on to make another series about their marriage. For all of our sakes, I hope it sticks, as the last thing the human race needs is either of them going back out into the population to breed. As Darwin probably suggested when he was pressed about this very situation, it's always best to stick to your own.
Meanwhile, Federline - sorry, "K-Fed", is seeking a $125m divorce settlement. If he even gets a tenth of that, well then maybe it's not such a curse, after all. And before you start to think he might have just been in it for her money, think again - he's got his own, now.
So, no real surprise there, then.
But, come on, let's be fair. They have been married for over two years, which in the world of modern celebrity is pretty good going. If one dog year is equal to seven human years, than a year of celebrity marriage must be equal to at least ten of Mr and Mrs Joe Average's. Britney's previous marriage only lasted 55 hours, remember, which when you do the math works out about as long as the national average.
The thing is, they had absolutely no chance of this ever working out because they made a fatal error right from the very beginning - they agreed to do a reality TV show.
No, I didn't see much of it either, but it's true. Entitled Kevin and Britney: Chaotic, the show consisted mainly of home video footage with was overdubbed with engaging commentary by the couple (who'd been hitched for about eight months when production began.) It only lasted for five episodes, which means that if one episode of rubbish television equates to two seasons of quality, it was as successful as Seinfeld.
This isn't a new phenomena. It's been going on for quite some time now, and as with most of the important things in life, the blame can be laid pretty firmly on the doorsteps of MTV. First, we had Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson in Newlyweds. This is the big one; the linchpin. The Watergate. Simpson and Lachey were married in October 2002, the show was greenlit in August 2003, and by December 2005 they were fighting over who gets to keep the Roy Rogers wagon wheel in the courts.
Next up were Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro. She, of former Baywatch (and 12-minute marriage to Dennis Rodman) fame, and he, ex-Jane's Addiction guitarist and, according to one of my very heterosexual male friends, 'the sexiest beardie alive'. It didn't really matter. The couple were wed in November of 2003, doing Til Death Us Do Part: Carmen and Dave (on MTV) the following year and, lo and behold, separated in July of this year and were divorced a month later.
Travis Barker, ex-Blink 182 drummer and Shanna Moakler, ex-wife of Oscar de la Hoya, married in October 2004, signed on to MTV for Meet The Barkers in 2005 and, incredibly, packed in two seasons and a divorce by August 2006.
Even David Gest and Liza Minnelli weren't unnatural enough to stand up to the curse; their marriage lasted just 16 months, even though their reality show, Lisa & David, was axed before it was ever aired.
No celebrity couple seems to realise it, but when you agree to do a reality TV show about your fantastic life what you're basically signing on for is a divorce within one to three years (usually depending on how successful the series is.) The trick is: is this calculated in advance, and if so, who exactly is duping whom?
There's one pretty consistent theme that runs through all of these stories and that's the desire for fame. By agreeing to do a show of this kind, you're automatically boosting your profile as a couple. Moreover, in pretty much every case here, one member of the couple is far more famous (and, indeed, lucrative) than the other around the start of the relationship. Interestingly (in a trite celebrity sense), by the end of the show, they've either become fairly equitable in their celebrity standing or have even swapped places.
Again, and for reference, we return to the benchmark in all this - when Newlyweds began in 2002, Lachey, ex-member of we've never heard of them over here, but they were massive over there boyband 98 Degrees, was the draw. As the show's popularity peaked, it was the lovely Jessica who became both the centre of attention and the star, equally for as much as what she said as how she looked. The epitome of the dumb blonde, she became incredibly popular, and despite the much-heralded Christian values she claimed to possess, her low-cut tops and desire to shoot pop videos under waterfalls certainly did not hurt at all. As her own father later tellingly observed, 'those suckers are double-Ds.'
And that scenario is pretty constant. Who'd even heard of David Gest before he met Liza Minnelli? Shanna Moakler was a total unknown before Meet The Barkers. Now she's 'wowing' them in the US version of Strictly Come Dancing and beating up Paris Hilton. And Federline? He's gone from backing dancer to self-proclaimed rap superstar to WWE professional wrestler. It's a farce, sure, but the boy done good, certainly relative to what he had before.
The dismal record of celebrity marriage is nothing new, of course, and certainly isn't limited to those who have appeared together on TV. If you take a moment to consider all the celebrity marriages you know of that are considered a success (where both couples are or were famous going into the relationship), you'll probably come up with two. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell are not married, and neither are Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas? Sure, but nobody is comfortable with that. So that leaves Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, and the Osbournes, who despite fronting a major reality TV show and having been married since 1982, have slightly bigger fish to fry. When your husband has tried to kill you and pissed up the Alamo, it tends to put things into perspective. MTV was a walk in the park.
Jordan and Peter Andre? Well, they met on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!, and have gone on to make another series about their marriage. For all of our sakes, I hope it sticks, as the last thing the human race needs is either of them going back out into the population to breed. As Darwin probably suggested when he was pressed about this very situation, it's always best to stick to your own.
Meanwhile, Federline - sorry, "K-Fed", is seeking a $125m divorce settlement. If he even gets a tenth of that, well then maybe it's not such a curse, after all. And before you start to think he might have just been in it for her money, think again - he's got his own, now.
Labels: Britney Spears, Celebrity, K-Fed, Music
Comments:
Everybody leaves out the Osbournes. They've done MTV and are still 'together', if that's what you call it that at their stage of life. Mind you, they went into it with a long life in show business and decades of marriage behind them before they started. Maybe that's the secret?
And, even they were looking for the publicity, I think. Would everyone care what Sharon thinks on The X Factor if they hadn't seen hours of her kissing her dogs, bitching about Kelly's clothes and telling off Ozzie? I think there's clearly something on both sides from these MTV Reality shows, whether the relationships last or not.
And, even they were looking for the publicity, I think. Would everyone care what Sharon thinks on The X Factor if they hadn't seen hours of her kissing her dogs, bitching about Kelly's clothes and telling off Ozzie? I think there's clearly something on both sides from these MTV Reality shows, whether the relationships last or not.
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